Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Virginity...for Men

Recently I have been coming across different things associated with female virginity until marriage. In this trailer for the documentary The Purity Myth, based on the book of the same name by Jessica Valenti, the subject of female purity is the focus, seeming to put it in a negative light. My first impression of this trailer wasn't necessarily a good one because to me it seemed that it was downplaying waiting for marriage, which is something I promote in one of my other posts. However, I then noticed that Valenti's point is more so arguing with the notion that a woman's worth is labelled on whether or not she is "pure" and that purity pushes women into submission, which are concepts I do not agree with, so in this way I began to look at the trailer more favorably. I like how she brings up the idea of the purity balls when daughters pledge their virginities to their fathers (which is cringeworthy, because women shouldn't have to pledge their virginities to the first man in their lives and make their purity "official" through a ceremony) and how people look down upon feminism and think of it as this evil concept in the world (which angers me, especially when women talk against it). People have the wrong idea when it comes to feminism, Planned Parenthood, etc., so I'm glad this documentary brings it out.

I then came across a book in CVS called 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter, written by Vicki Courtney. Here is the website pertaining to the book. At first this book had a bad impression on me as well because I felt all she was doing was promoting abstinence as the only answer, which to a lot of people it is not. She argues how the media masks female promiscuity as female empowerment when in reality that is not the case. However, I began to appreciate the book as I kept reading because she is entitled to write about how she feels on the subject just as much as I, and it is refreshing to see a mother write books about these subjects, helping women realize that it is okay to wait, encouraging them that it is the right path, rather than brainwashing them to do so, and also include truthful information about abortion, not lies. It is very comfortingly written and explores options in a non-condescending manner.

This got me thinking: "Why don't we have this conversation with young men?" Perhaps Courtney will touch upon this idea in her new book 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Son, but it just seems like women are often the focus for purity and virginity until marriage and men are often disregarded. In fact, it seems that men are more encouraged to lose their virginities than keep them, whereas for women it is the exact opposite. There are comedy movies dedicated to this sort of idea, such as Superbad and American Pie. The old double standard: A boy has sex, he is a MAN. A girl has sex, she is a SLUT.

I actually like the idea of women saving themselves for marriage, even though there are times I write favorably towards the free love concept. I find that saving oneself for that special someone to whom you eventually make a commitment is very admirable and safe. My thing is, however, if a man isn't going to wait for his woman, why should a woman wait for her man? I think that might be my main argument against saving sex for marriage, other than the fact that this is a concept we are normally taught, not necessarily a realization we come upon later in life after we sexually mature. In other words, it should be mentioned as the best option with the best outcomes, but it shouldn't be something mentioned as the only option, keeping people in the dark of what other alternatives they have. I know I wrote before about how sex is a normal human thing just like eating and sleeping is, but I guess what I did not include is how sex is more connected to emotion and attachment between people as opposed to the other two, which is why we should be more careful. It should be an honor to be each other's first, and last. There are times that I have been told that a man who is a virgin over the age of twenty-five is probably not the kind of guy women should get involved with, for there must be something wrong with him. It's just that male virginity is looked upon as such a bad thing that men feel so inadequate if they don't place their penis inside some kind of female orifice. It seems like everything in the world convinces men that they should act on their primal instincts right away or else they will immediately be emasculated.

This is why I am here. I felt the need to write this piece because I guess I should be the one to help men realize that their virginities are not in vain. Men have a right to be virgins just as much as women do. The thing is, virginity should be a choice, not because a man finds it difficult to lose it and that a woman is taught to save it. People should save their virginities for their significant others if they so chose because they feel it is the best thing to do. It's doesn't even have to be because it's what God wants, though I do believe it is what He prefers. It should be because it's what feels right and what a couple wants to share with each other in the moment of passion.

So, virgin men, these are the words I want to say to you: It's okay. Really. It's okay. Just because you have never had sex before doesn't mean you aren't a man. Even if you don't like the idea of being a virgin until marriage and your current virginity isn't by choice, just because you haven't had sex yet it doesn't mean you are a freak of nature. There is nothing wrong with you. There are people out there, women included, that appreciate male virgins entirely. You know why? Virginity these days is unique. Virgins are different and interesting. Also, you know virgins are most likely sexually healthy with no children. In fact, your virginity is actually nobody's business. If you are proud of your virginity, by all means feel free to proclaim it. But to me, virginity and sex life should be revealed between two adults who are going strong in their relationship and figuring out their next step as a couple. I believe that everyone has his or her match with whom he or she will gel well. So don't worry. Chances are your day will come when you will have sex with someone and that person just might be worth waiting for in the long run.

In other words, don't be afraid to be like this guy. This young man is 24-year-old quarterback for the Denver Broncos Tim Tebow, who is pretty much portrayed as a godsent to the world. (No pun intended but this is actually pretty accurate. His devotion to his Christian religion is his trademark.) I saw his photo on the cover of one of my father's magazines awhile ago and ever since then he's all I've been hearing about. A lot good, some bad. For instance, people have been mocking him for his faith. "Tebowing," the act in which Tebow gets down on one knee and prays during a game, is now very well known and is now an act along the lines of "planking." I'm not sure if the whole "tebowing" thing is supposed to be mocking Tebow's praying tendencies or not, but regardless I admire Tebow for sticking to his beliefs, taking everything calmly, and just being a decent human being. He seems to have a lot of fans who constantly admire him. He does nothing wrong whatsoever. He makes it impossible to dislike him because you never hear anything bad about him and I hope we never do. He almost seems too good to be true, almost too perfect.

Then I found out something else that made me admire him even more and decide to include him in this post. Apparently, he is remaining a virgin until marriage. Oddly enough, he reveals this at a press conference.

Now, I'm not sure if there is any truth to this, but if you think about it, what man would say he is a virgin waiting for marriage if he isn't? 

Isn't this amazing? It's very rare that you meet a male virgin let alone meet a man who admits to it so proudly so I commend Tebow entirely. He is actually one of my current heroes. Tebow gives me hope that there are indeed men out there that are saving themselves for that special woman and are not ashamed of it. 

You can find the Facebook pages of both Jessica Valenti and Vicki Courtney on my Facebook page.


  1. I dunno, I doubt Tebow is a virgin. I mean...come on. Maybe it's just the cynic in me but eh, I doubt it.

    I am not necessarily AGAINST waiting for marriage to have sex, but I am of the viewpoint that sexual chemistry is just as important as regular chemistry. How are you going to know if you're compatible with someone sexually if you wait until your wedding night to find out? I'm not saying it's the most important thing there is in a relationship, but I still think it's important.

  2. Well yes I definitely agree that sexual chemistry is important, and I understand where you are coming from, because I've seen that argument before, but I have always felt that if a couple loves each other and decides to marry, the sex just falls into place and should just naturally be passionate between the two. The chemistry is just there. The love the two share for each other sparks the passion during their lovemaking. The love is there first and then the good sex follows. If a couple is that much in love with each other, I doubt that they would feel bored in bed. If they aren't that much in love, then perhaps they shouldn't get married in the first place.

    As for Tebow, I like to believe that he is a virgin. It's a nice contrast to the stereotype we have of men, especially athletic men. It's nice to know that men like him exist. If we doubt Tebow is a virgin, we might as well doubt that every other self-proclaimed male virgin is a virgin as well, and that's not fair to the men who are actually telling the truth and are passionate about it. That's the thing. We doubt that men are virgins because society and stereotypes tell us otherwise. Once we hear a man is a virgin people react in a "Yeah, right" kind of manner. That is what I am actually arguing against in this post. Virginity in men needs to be regarded as more normal and common so we don't have these suspicions about them and so men don't have to be ashamed of it.

  3. Tebow is definitely in a league of his own. He's the butt of many many jokes throughout the sportsworld, unfortunately. "Tebowing" is the more widely known pun used. Considering his personality and the way he portrays himself, he really seems to be a virgin.

    Going to the part with caring about guys who are and aren't virgins. If you go from girl to girl without looking back, you're basically a man-whore, so you should be ashamed to think of girls as sluts/whores/etc. because you're acting just like them. For those who like to "experiment", I'd say be careful cuz you never know what you'd be getting yourself into (you know what I'm talking about). I prefer to be on the safe side where this subject is concerned cuz in the end, if you break up with that person, it's gone. It's also not worth it cuz you're constantly worrying (at least the girl is) if the pill/condom/etc worked and if "something else" entered into the equation... If you don't care, fine, it's your life. That's just my take cuz I got enough things to worry about so why add another?

  4. Thank you, riceball1759! I agree! :)

  5. In my opinion sex before marriage is an individual’s personal decision whether they are a male or a female. My girlfriend and I are waiting. But that is OUR choice. Luckily we both agree on that subject ;) I can say that not being sexually compatible is the VERY last thing on both of our minds. It is not a concern at all. Our faith puts us at ease in that department. In fact we feel the sex will be even BETTER because we are waiting. We plan on having lots of sex when we are married...lol...but only to each other. Once again the choice is ours and ours alone without letting anyone or anything influence our decision.
    As far as us men go, we are sexual predators. Sad but true. We are born that way and will always be that way. But who with an ounce of common sense would turn to Bill Maher, a pro athlete, a famous musician, or a movie star for life advice? Yeah, they have money and fame and are successes in their careers, but how many of them have solid marriages? How many are great parents? How many live clean lives? How many have true peace of mind? In that regard the majority of celebrities are tremendous failures.
    I say kudos to Tim Tebow! He’s obviously an exception and it is refreshing to see. Talk about guts. You have to be incredibly strong to take that kind of public stand, especially if you are a man. There is such a false bravado that is attached to being a guy. It’s much easier to be a drug addict, alcoholic, promiscuous, foul-mouthed, and a womanizer, than it is to walk the narrow path. I commend anyone who does live a genuine clean life because it’s not easy! Those who do walk the narrow path like Tim Tebow -- they are the true rebels of the world nowadays.

  6. J.T.,

    It's because of men like you that I wrote this piece! I agree with everything you wrote. Thank you so much for your comment. The best to you and your girlfriend!

    -Stef :)

  7. Wow, reading these other comments made me feel like a whore. But, you know, whatever, to each his own. I completely respect each and every one of your opinions and think that my life would be much simpler sometimes had I not started having sex. But there is the other side of it, that sex is natural and, well, fun. Yep. That's really all I wanted to add.

  8. Don't worry, leahcar! You don't sound like a "whore." Everybody has his or her own different opinions about things and it's nice to see them all. I like it when you share your viewpoints on here! :)

  9. leahcar, I like that you respect everyone's opinion...even if you disagree with that opinion. The biggest problem in the world today is that people can't seem to agree to disagree. Most show lack of respect for those that have opposing views and that's just wrong. And oh yeah, I'd NEVER call you a whore.
    You summed it up: To each his own. Everyone has a right to live the way they want. I can only do what is right for ME. That's all anyone can do. I laugh at the “macho” stigma that guys have. It's hilarious to me and I'm a guy! lol When it comes to sex I think most men get bored with the same woman. At least me and my girlfriend won't get bored and will have something to look forward to after we are hitched :)
    Thanks, Stef. I don't know how I ended up on your blog, but it's interesting to read. I will have to look you up on YouTube. Have a good one everybody.

  10. J.T., I really like the way you think! Once again I agree. Thank you for stumbling upon my blog and feel free to visit again. Thank you for your comments and compliments.

    As for YouTube, I do have a channel that I have recently created, but I haven't done too much with it yet. I am thinking about doing more with it though.

  11. You are welcome, Stef. I'm not on Facebook, but just subscribed to your YouTube channel. My profile name there is "jt20042". Keep up the great work, and all the best to you:)

    1. Thank you, JT! And I saw! Feel free to follow this blog as well. :)